“Fuck…… I never thought it was going to be this hard to write a hit song. Shit. Whip my hair back and forth. Fuck. What can I sing about? I spend my dad’s money at the mall…. That’s not it. So stressed! How the fuck did she do it? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
“Ahhhh shit. This is really fucking good. I’d offer you some, but you know, you had to be that big weirdo in Baskin Robbins asking why would they put the Apple Pie a la Mode flavor into retirement. Sure, it was a great flavor, dare I even say the best flavor that Baskin Robbins has created in the, I don’t know, the last four years, but you didn’t have to make a big scene. Just pick another flavor, instead of pouting and boycotting. Who boycotts ice cream? Holy shit, this is so fucking good and I’d love to share, but I want to support your boycott of delicious ice cream.”
“I’m not too old to be carried and I’m most not certainly not too old for a balloon. Now, let’s go find a palatschinke spot. I NEED A PALATSCHINKE immediately.”
“Mother, maybe if we pretend that he’s invisible, he’ll finally leave us alone….Oh, god, Mother, that weirdo is singing to us. UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH….he’s butchering a Morrissey song. No, dad, the more we ignore you, the further away you are. GAAAAAHHHHHHH.”
“Mother, I’m going to shoot straight from the hip here and explain to you why as a very mature four year old, I continue to chew on my binky….It may seem silly and quite frankly, rather gross, but my binky still tastes like the tzatziki sauce from that gyro I spilled when we had that picnic in the park a few months ago. It’s a disgusting trip to flavor country. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a shame spiral”
“I’M THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!”
“I could walk and I probably should walk, but fuck it. It’s too hot today. Just too hot. I’m afraid that I’ll step in some gross piece of gum. Have you ever stepped on a piece of gum on a hot day? It’s awful. Blue goop all over your shoes. It’s just gross. It takes like three days to properly clean your shoes off. Let alone, the whole germs factor. First, it’s a previously chewed piece of gum: germ city. Then, everybody else has stepped on it, even more germs. And top of that, whatever wild creatures manage to fly or crawl over it. That’s like a germ continent, right there. Thank you for understanding, Mother. Also, thanks for putting those ‘feels like somebody is getting heavy’ jokes. Bum Bum Diddy Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Diddy Bum Bum Daddy.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t hear you. I only talk to daddies with films that make a 100 million dollars and the last time I checked…..Knight & Day wasn’t there yet. Sorry, bro.”
“I don’t know what’s the best part of summer? The soft serve ice cream or that feeling of wet grass underneath my toes. Running, scrapping, mixing it up everyday. This Canadian lifestyle certainly agrees with me, Mother. Now, take me to the mall, you hoser.”
“Alright! Pull the car over, bro. Pull. It. Over. Your fingers have been far too friendly with the repeat button with that Cash-a song or is it Kei$ha? Well, whatever, bro, you’ve been bumping it too much and I’m outta here. Friends don’t Keisha other friends, jerk.”
