“What do you mean, we can’t go shopping today? I understand that Christmas is coming up and all, but I assure you that even after one single shopping trip, there will be many, many, many other gift ideas for yours truly. For example: a roomba, a duplex in Brooklyn, a first edition of “The Brothers Karamazov”, a private jet, my own Yogurtland. Plenty of things, mother. Plenty of things. Now, let’s shake the blues away with a trip to Barney’s!!!!”
“Mother, sometimes, I feel like we’re like Bonnie and Clyde just minus the robbing and what not. Just the two of us against the world with nothing to lose. I love you.”
“Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance! Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance! Walk, walk fashion baby! Work it! Move that b-word crazy! Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance!”
“Oh, what a glorious day! Oh, what an amazing day! First, we’re going to finally see New Moon for a fourth time! I will not…I refuse to let Becca from my Twi-Hard e-group to see the film more times than me. She will not beat me. I will stay up all night to beat her. I am younger than her. Then, after the movie, we’re going to the bookstore to finally pick up a copy of Nabokov’s “The Original of Laura” and then after, pizza, but more importantly, a trip to Mr. Banana Pants’ Chocolate Jubilee and Ice Cream Fudgporium!!!! I had a feeling that today would be a magnificent day when I woke up this morning! I would sing, but I do believe Mr. O’Shea Jackson said it best though. ‘I Got To Say Today Was A Good Day,”.”
“Don’t tell me to button up my cardigan! I’ll button it up if I want to and if I get cold. Right now, I’m comfortable. No. No. No. No. No. No. Don’t come down here to do it. I can do it. Look! See! I can do it myself. I’m just going to button the top and bottom buttons to freak you out! Look at these unbutton buttons! Just flopping in the breeze………BLERGH! I’m just grumpy because they were out of the Apple Pie Milk Shake at lunch. I read about this amazing Apple Pie Milk Shake on Eater and I’ve been looking forward to it for months and they ran out! How do you run out! And how do you say no to a small child when she says it’s her birthday!? No, I do not want to go to Jack In The Box for a milkshake. I just need a nap and an apple pie in milkshake form. Mostly, a nap.”
“Psssssstttttttt…..Mother, mother, is that weird guy still behind us? What’s up with his shoes? And why I’m just wearing a dress while everybody else is wearing a coat? Why aren’t I wearing coat? It’s cold. I know the point of hot chocolate is to quickly warm up, but I’m liable to catch a cold out here. I know that we have the blanket. The magical blanket, but I can’t walk around with it. I’ll look like a crazy person…..Hey, can we watch Old Dogs? I know it’s probably going to be bad, but it could be fun, you know?”
Elmo, like sweet morning dew
I took one look at you
And it was plain to see
You were my destiny
With you I’ll spend my time
I’ll dedicate my life
I’ll sacrifice for you
Dedicate my life for you
“I’m not implying that I’m a princess with my princess umbrella, but you know, I have those moments were I’m pretty much a princess and this umbrella may be a ……..Mother, do not, I repeat, do not starting singing that Rihanna song. Great! Now, that’ll be stuck in my head for the next three days. Thanks, Mother! You have the comedic timing and insight of a young Jeff Dunham.”
“Nope. There’s nothing up your nose, Mother. Clean as a whistle. Not even the tiniest of nose hairs. Your breath, on the other hand, is a tad lethal, but I’m just going to chalk that up to the delicious lunch we just had. Now check my mouth! I feel like I have something stuck back there. Please take a look….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Do you see something? I feel like there’s a popcorn kernel stuck in my back teeth? Wait, lemmme me point to it. Wrat one! Did you see it?….. Opps! Looks like a bit of dribble on neck there, Mother. Sorry about that. GAAAHHHH! I can’t believe I still have popcorn stuck in my teeth and it’s been like three years since I’ve had popcorn.”
“Mother, with all of this walking and talking I feel like I’m on an episode of “West Wing” or at the very least, a rehearsal for some Aaron Sorkin scripted affair! Why can’t you work with the likes of him, Mother? Why can’t we spend time with a scribe like him? Alas, Mother, I’ve hit a creative road block with my latest endeavor and just want to bounce the ball with somebody who’s been in the creative trenches, if you will. I’m sorry, Mother. I don’t mean to bash at such early hour in the morning. I’m just…..well, venting and trying to come up with a better way to say thank you for putting my hair up in a pony tail this morning. I can actually see what’s in front of me and, perhaps, best of all, not have to worry about getting bits and pieces of food stuck in my hair. Remember when the nicoise salad incident? What a nightmare! Thanks, Mother, again.”
