Suri Cruise Is Magic!

“Don’t tell me to button up my cardigan! I’ll button it up if I want to and if I get cold. Right now, I’m comfortable. No. No. No. No. No. No. Don’t come down here to do it. I can do it. Look! See! I can do it myself. I’m just going to button the top and bottom buttons to freak you out! Look at these unbutton buttons! Just flopping in the breeze………BLERGH! I’m just grumpy because they were out of the Apple Pie Milk Shake at lunch. I read about this amazing Apple Pie Milk Shake on Eater and I’ve been looking forward to it for months and they ran out! How do you run out! And how do you say no to a small child when she says it’s her birthday!? No, I do not want to go to Jack In The Box for a milkshake. I just need a nap and an apple pie in milkshake form. Mostly, a nap.”

“Psssssstttttttt…..Mother, mother, is that weird guy still behind us? What’s up with his shoes? And why I’m just wearing a dress while everybody else is wearing a coat? Why aren’t I wearing coat? It’s cold. I know the point of hot chocolate is to quickly warm up, but I’m liable to catch a cold out here. I know that we have the blanket. The magical blanket, but I can’t walk around with it. I’ll look like a crazy person…..Hey, can we watch Old Dogs? I know it’s probably going to be bad, but it could be fun, you know?”

Elmo, like sweet morning dew
I took one look at you
And it was plain to see
You were my destiny
With you I’ll spend my time
I’ll dedicate my life
I’ll sacrifice for you
Dedicate my life for you

“I’m not implying that I’m a princess with my princess umbrella, but you know, I have those moments were I’m pretty much a princess and this umbrella may be a ……..Mother, do not, I repeat, do not starting singing that Rihanna song. Great! Now, that’ll be stuck in my head for the next three days. Thanks, Mother! You have the comedic timing and insight of a young Jeff Dunham.”

“Nope. There’s nothing up your nose, Mother. Clean as a whistle. Not even the tiniest of nose hairs. Your breath, on the other hand, is a tad lethal, but I’m just going to chalk that up to the delicious lunch we just had. Now check my mouth! I feel like I have something stuck back there. Please take a look….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Do you see something? I feel like there’s a popcorn kernel stuck in my back teeth? Wait, lemmme me point to it. Wrat one! Did you see it?….. Opps! Looks like a bit of dribble on neck there, Mother. Sorry about that. GAAAHHHH! I can’t believe I still have popcorn stuck in my teeth and it’s been like three years since I’ve had popcorn.”

“Mother, with all of this walking and talking I feel like I’m on an episode of “West Wing” or at the very least, a rehearsal for some Aaron Sorkin scripted affair! Why can’t you work with the likes of him, Mother? Why can’t we spend time with a scribe like him? Alas, Mother, I’ve hit a creative road block with my latest endeavor and just want to bounce the ball with somebody who’s been in the creative trenches, if you will. I’m sorry, Mother. I don’t mean to bash at such early hour in the morning. I’m just…..well, venting and trying to come up with a better way to say thank you for putting my hair up in a pony tail this morning. I can actually see what’s in front of me and, perhaps, best of all, not have to worry about getting bits and pieces of food stuck in my hair. Remember when the nicoise salad incident? What a nightmare! Thanks, Mother, again.”

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why do we have to go outside today? I was outside yesterday! Why can’t we just stay in the house and eat candy. You know, candy has a shelf life. If you don’t eat all of it within the first 36 hours, it melts away. Even if its in the freezer. My friend, Ricky told me that his friend Gina told him and she heard it from her brother who like heard it from the president of some candy company. Ricky also said that candy especially Butterfingers are good for your teeth and we should not floss and we should, should, should drink more soda and stuff like that. GAAAAAAAHHHH! It’s so cold. Why do we have to go outside?”

“WHY SO SERIOUS?”

“It’s a little too long, but fuck it. I look good. Look Book good. Come quickly, mother! We need the credit card because we’re buying out the entire supply. No one is allowed to out shine me this Halloween. Nope. No dice. No way. No how.”

“Aiyyo that’s amazing, gun in your mouth talk, verbal foul hawk
Connect thoughts to make my manchild walk
Swift notarizer, Wu-Tang, all up in the high-riser
New York Yank’ visor world tranquilizer
Just a dosage, delegate my Clan with explosives
While, my pen blow lines ferocious
Mediterranean, see y’all, the number one draft pick
Tear down the beat God, then delegate the God to see God
The swift chancellor, flex, the white-gold tarantula
Track truck diesel, play the weed God, substantiala
Max mostly, undivided, then slide in, sickenin
Guaranteed, made em jump like Rod Strickland”